What Now?

(wrapping it up, I guess)

What now? How does one move forward after any life-altering diagnosis, loss, or upheaval? The short answer is: I’m figuring it out, each day. As one does.

When I think about it, I had no idea I had cancer until just over six months ago. And now, I’m basically back to normal, whatever normal is. And also when I think about how to deal with a) my propensity to be a depressive and b) my previous experience with loss and upheaval, I think the answer lies in being patient with myself and others, reaching a hand back for others to hold when they receive similar news, and absolutely grasping for and wallowing in gratitude for the lessons and privilege of living every single day.

How does this look right now?

As I mentioned in the previous post, it begins, middles, and ends with my connection with God. God has been my constant strength, healing, and peace through not only cancer, but through every high and low in my life. And let’s be serious – most of us (me, me, me) are much better at connecting with him when we feel like we really need him, than when times are easy. And that’s okay, because he is infinitely patient, and he knows that I am always in great need of his grace and mercy, regardless of how I think things are going.

I am not patient. But he gives me patience. Patience to process all the feelings, both physical and emotional. Patience to smile at people who say dumb things to me because I say dumb things.

I am not selfless. But he gives me eyes to see, ears to hear, hands and feet to serve, a wallet to share from, and a heart to love. I can be kind and loving not only to other people with cancer – certainly them – but also to others with illness and pain, which is often invisible to what we can see. As I said before, you wouldn’t know I had cancer unless I told you. How many other things are people walking through, not only, but ESPECIALLY during these last two years? Depression at trying to pivot to serve others in their workplace while making sure their kids are receiving an education, in person or remotely? Loss of a income? Loss of family member or friend? Anxiety? Addiction? In fact, I would dare say that most of what we humans endure is under a cloak of invisibility. So one big lesson in my life lately is this: just be kind. I’m not inherently kind, but when I think about how much kindness I seek from God and want from others, I realize my need to BE kind is great. Smile. Give to a cause. Give grace.

I am not inherently grateful, but God shows me so many reasons to say “thank you!” Here are a few: For sparing my life. For giving me words so that I can process my experience and give a kind word for others. For providing me with the experiences of other sojourners along the cancer path, for never taking, and in fact enhancing my sense of humor, just when I need a laugh. For those who have loved me well. For science and caring hospital staff. For healing. For faith. For hope. For love. Amen.